


La Douleur Exquise

by Ariejul



Series: Alone in the Fallout [6]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Adult Language, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Deacon Lies, Deacon also tells the truth, Depression, F/M, Familial Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Longing, Loss, Preston is tired of Julia's shit, Separation, So he does something about it, Sturges helps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 13:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11162904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ariejul/pseuds/Ariejul
Summary: La Douleur Exquise: the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have.Julia searches for Deacon. It goes about as well as one might expect.Post-game.Tales places after Mokita.





	La Douleur Exquise

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back again. 
> 
> This isn't the way I originally planned for this to go, but I like this much better. Adds more drama and all that. Also felt more in character for Deacon. 
> 
> You'll also notice that Julia calls MacCready and Hancock by their first names, or nickname in MacCready's case. It always sorta bugged me that in game, they were never addressed by their first names, or that there was never even an option when you got your friendship high enough. So, I fixed it.
> 
> This probably won't make a lot of sense if you don't read the previous entries in the series.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy.

Julia is sitting beneath the large tree in the middle of the cul-de-sac reading when Preston finds her. “General, we need to talk.”

She forces back the groan rising up her throat. Judging from his body language, this isn't going to be a conversation she'll enjoy. “What do you need?” Setting her book aside, she stands up.

“This isn’t about me,” he says, tone sharp. “This is about _you._ ”

“Me?” she asks, flabbergasted.

“Yes, you, General.” He all but stomps over, stopping in front of her. “I let you have your time, and I didn’t say anything. I can’t do that anymore.”

Pulling a pack from somewhere – _the hell was he hiding that? –_ he thrusts it toward her. She stares at it. “Preston, what are you –?”

“Go wherever it is you go for your secret Railroad business, and find out where Deacon is. Drag him back, kicking and screaming if you have to. For all our sakes, please.” Concern colors the edges of his tone as he rubs his temples.

Julia doesn’t understand. “Why are you shoving me out the door? I can't just _leave._ What about Shaun?”

“Already taken care of,” he replies, taking her by the arm and walking toward the entrance gates. “Marcy and Jun will be watching over him while you’re gone. And honestly? You’re asking me why I’m doing this when all you’ve done for five months is snap at anyone who even mentions Deacon and _sigh wistfully?_ Even a blind man could see you miss him, so I'm telling you, go find him. I’ll take care of everything here.”

Sturges appears a moment later, lazy grin plastered across his face. “Here ya go. Tweaked your weapons since they’ve just been sitting around collecting dust.” Deliverer and the .44 magnum of Kellogg’s, which she aptly named Reaper, are handed to her.

Her gaze flicks from Sturges to Preston and back again. “I… what are you two doing?”

Sturges gives her a sympathetic look, falling into step at her side opposite Preston. “Look, Boss, we’ve all been worried about you. Shaun especially. We want to help. So, go get him. We’ll hold down the fort here until you get back.”

Preston nods his agreement, and Julia just sighs.

Sturges starts suddenly, and with a quick, “hold on a minute,” goes running off. She watches dumbly after him. He returns a few moments later with Tinker Tom Special, her hunting rifle. “Might need something with a bit more range than those two. Never know.”

Feeling the weight of it in her hands again, she nods. “Thanks.” It's been a long time since she's needed a gun.

They’ve reached the gates, and Shaun is standing there smiling. He runs up and wraps her in a tight hug. “Bring him back, Mom.”

She returns the hug fiercely. “Shaun,” she whispers, staring down at him in wonder.

“I’ll be okay, Mom, so don’t worry.” He looks up at her, and she’s startled to see him crying. “Just… find Deacon. I want you to smile again, like you used to.”

Julia nods, giving him one last squeeze before letting go. She refuses to cry again. “I promise we’ll come back together, so just wait for me.”

Shaun manages a bright smile and nods, rubbing his eyes.

“Go on now. We’ll see you soon!” Sturges says with a grin.

“Until next time, General,” Preston murmurs.

Julia nods, and with more determination that she’s felt in months, makes her journey for Railroad HQ. She commits the image of her son waving goodbye, flanked by Preston and Sturges, to memory.

 

The road is quieter than she remembers, and it makes for an easy trip. She’ll take any blessing she can get. Drummer Boy greets her at the entrance, his young eyes wide. “Charmer! It’s good to see you. Hey, guys,” he calls over his shoulder, “it’s Charmer.”

Descending the stairs, she waves at the slightly startled faces before her. “C’mon, guys, I haven’t been gone _that_ long.” Yet, maybe she has. There are quite a few faces here now that she doesn’t know. Most of them are watching her with a strange mixture of awe and wariness. It's like a strange sort of fame, and that makes her wish she could just fade into the shadows.

Dez grins around her cigarette. “Even so, we’re happy to see you.” She glances around for a moment, puzzled. “Is Deacon not with you?”

Julia feels like a bucket of cold water was just dumped on her. “No. He said… a few months ago, he left, saying you had a mission for him.”

The Railroad Alpha frowns, momentarily lost in thought. “I haven’t seen or even made contact with Deacon since he left with you, nearly a year ago.”

Anger, sudden and hot, boils inside her. It’s quickly buried under an avalanche of sorrow. “So, there was no mission.”

“Of course there wasn’t,” Carrington snaps, walking over from his work station. She certainly hasn’t missed the sour attitude of the doctor. He and Deacon had never gotten along, and she can see why. Carrington has the bedside manner of an ill-tempered Deathclaw. "I can't see why you'd ever trust a thing that comes out of that man's mouth. It's just folly, at this point."

“While crude, Carrington is right.” Dez takes another drag from her smoke, eyeing Julia with worry. “Did you come here looking for him?”

Julia nods, worrying her lip. “Guess this was a bust.”

“Maybe not," Dez says, expression thoughtful. "About a month ago, we received a strange message at one of our dead drops. We couldn’t make heads or tales of it, but perhaps it wasn’t meant for us.”

She glances at Drummer Boy who pulls out a slip of paper from his pocket. He walks over and hands Julia the message. The paper, while old, is nice quality. Nicer than the Waste usually has to offer. There’s only one sentence written there.

_Find me where my story began._

“Any ideas?” he asks, watching her.

Julia rubs the paper between her fingers, memories drifting back to a recall code given to her what feels like a lifetime ago. This paper is nearly identical. She nods. “Yeah, I think I do.”

Carrington snorts and walks away without a word.

“Tell Deacon he still owes me a pack of smokes when you see him,” Dez calls out as she runs back up the stairs.

 

It doesn’t take Julia long to make her way to University Point. At first glance, it looks deserted, but Deacon has to be here somewhere. She knows just how good he is at being unseen when he wants. She resists the urge to call out. There are definitely things lurking that she doesn’t want to take notice of her.

Outside Sedgwick Hall, she notices a pile of rocks stacked in a very deliberate manner. It wouldn’t be interesting to or even noticed by anyone else, but she remembers that this is one of the ways Deacon likes to hide things. He often used it as a game to heighten her awareness when they first partnered up.

Carefully moving them aside, it looks like something was recently buried in the dirt. Using her hands, she digs, and after a few minutes, unearths a metal box. Cracking it open, the only thing inside is a holotape.

Frowning, she pops it into her Pip-Boy and presses play. It hums to life, and Deacon’s voice fills the silence. 

_Hey, buddy._

_Since you’re listening, that means Con-GRAT-u-lations! You won the Big Prize!_

_I’m sure you figured out by now there was no mission, and that I bugged out. I know I said I’d come back, but well… guess I lied about that, too._

_There are a lot of things in my life that I regret. You know a few. You could probably guess a few more. I have a hard time telling, or hell, even facing the truth. It really is a major character flaw. But after we’d partnered up for a while, things started changing._

_I didn’t mind our dashing duo, or spending most of my time with you. I showed you things I kept hidden from everyone else. Willingly, and you didn’t turn away. You… made me feel like maybe, just maybe I was a decent person._

_That means a lot, and I really meant it when I called you friend. The time we had was some of the best I’ve known._

_You also managed to take down the Institute. That, my friend, was golden._

_But in the end, I forced you to make a decision that haunts you. I know it does. I made you lie to Shaun, and I made you kill him._

_For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, Julia._

_I’m sorry I turned you into a monster like me._

_But hey, what’s one more regret to add to the pile? It’s certainly in good company._

_Listen, I know you’re going to try to find me because you’re just so annoyingly you, but don’t. Consider it something of a last request. Besides, I made sure I’d be long gone by the time you got your hands on this. It’s for the best. Get on with your life. Raise your son into the wonderful person I know he’ll be. Grab MacCready by the collar and kiss the daylights out of him. He’s wanted you for ages._

_Forget about me._

_But most of all, Jules, Be Happy._

The tape cuts out, fizzling into static. Julia can’t believe her ears. Deacon isn’t here. He _left._ Tears drip onto the face of her Pip-Boy. She isn’t sure when she started crying.

“How could you do this, you asshole?” she sobs brokenly. “You said you’d come back. I… need you to come back. Please, I _just_ –”

Julia gets to her feet and desperately searches the area like a creature possessed. Deacon lies. It’s the only thing she truly _knows_. This isn’t any different. He’s here, watching her. All she has to do is find him, and everything will be okay. He’ll laugh and say “you got me,” and they’ll go back to Sanctuary. Nothing’s changed. He’s here. He has to be.

Tearing the abandoned settlement apart, Julia finds nothing more than a few Mirelurks and a hell of a lot of dust. It doesn’t look like anyone’s been here in ages. Her partner is gone; he wasn’t lying. She drops to her knees in the dirt beside the now empty box and has no idea what to do. Her eyes drift skyward, watching the clouds on their transient path.

She isn’t sure how long she sits there in the open. _A sniper’s dream._ She doesn’t care. None of it matters. He left her, and she didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. Just like Nate. Just like everyone. She pounds her fist into the ground. He told her to be happy, but how can she when he’s gone? He’s her friend. Her partner. He’s her –

“Goddamn idiot,” she growls, staring at the holotape gripped in her fingers like it might have any answers.

 

The trip back is a long one, and that does little to lighten her melancholy mood. Julia certainly isn’t in any hurry to return. Shaun will be devastated. He loves Deacon. Deacon, in many ways, is like the father he never had. That thought stings, stirring emotion she’s never been brave enough to give name. No point thinking about it now. Deacon is gone, and suddenly realizing just how she feels for him doesn’t change that.

It starts to rain a few hours after leaving University Point, and it hasn’t stopped yet. Julia almost drops by the Old North Church, just to let everyone know, but decides against it. She can already see their faces, etched in so many different emotions, and it’s _tiring_. Dez will want her to come back, but she can't. Instead, she heads toward Goodneighbor. Maybe getting high or drunk off her ass will help.

She wanders over to Daisy’s shop, pointedly not looking for a drifter in sunglasses.

“Well, well, if it isn’t my favorite Vault Dweller,” Daisy greets, before her eyes turn sharp with worry. “Honey, you alone? Where’s that smooth-talker in the sunglasses?”

Julia flinches and waves away the ghoul’s question. “He had other things to do, but don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“Hey, with the kind of stuff you bring me, concern is the least I can do.” She still looks concerned, but Daisy knows when to butt out. Julia couldn’t be more glad for that. “So, got anything to sell today?”

Julia thinks about the holotape Deacon left but can’t bring herself to part with it. In a way, it’s just as precious to her as the one Nate made before it all went wrong. “Not today. I was actually wondering if you’d heard anything about Bobby.”

Daisy looks startled for a moment. “Who? Oh, right, MacCready. Hm, last I heard he’d made it back to Duncan, but I don’t know anything more.”

Julia nods, though she’s a little crestfallen. With Deacon gone, she’s in need of another sniper at her back. Dez is going to need her help. She silently groans at the thought. She needs to prepare. “Thanks, Daisy. What about John? Is he in?”

“Hancock? Yeah, saw him not too long ago.”

She waves goodbye and heads across the alley into the Old State House. The guards comment as she walks up the stairs, but she ignores them. John is sitting on the sofa in his office and looks surprised to see her.

“Hey, sister. Didn’t expect you,” he greets with a wave. His dark eyes follow her, possibly with concern, but she just doesn’t care.

Fahrenheit grunts a greeting as she walks past, and she drops into the seat next to him. “I was… nearby.”

John gives his bodyguard a glance, and the woman leaves, pulling the doors closed behind her. “What’s eatin’ ya, sister? You’re gettin’ my couch wet.”

She looks at herself and realizes she’s still drenched. When did she forget? “Oh. I’m sorry, John.” Standing up, she heads toward the closed doors. “I’ll… just go.”

“Hang on now,” he calls out grabbing her arm. “Didn’t say you had to go anywhere. Figured you might want to get more comfortable, that’s all.” He goes to a dresser and pulls out an old jumpsuit and hands it to her.

Julia just stares at it, tears welling up in her eyes. “Thank you,” she murmurs wetly.

He points to a screen set up the corner. “Go on. Get changed.”

She steps behind it, kicking off her boots and stripping away her sodden clothes. She doesn’t even care if John can see her as a new wave of anxiety washes over her. Maybe coming here was a bad idea. John will want to know what’s going on, and she isn’t sure she can tell him. She isn’t sure she wants to tell _anyone._ Everyone will think she's pathetic, getting worked up over a liar deciding to leave her. Why was she stupid enough to think he'd stay?

The jumpsuit smells of gun powder and smoke, but that’s comforting in its own way. Pulling it over her shoulders, she zips up the front and buckles the belt. John has a towel when she comes out and sets about drying her hair once she sits down. She blushes, feeling oddly like a child.

John’s hands still. “So, he finally left, did he?”

Julia’s heart drops, and tears she’d been holding back come pouring down her face. Balling her hands up, she tries desperately not to hate herself. “I don’t…” she chokes on tears, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Putting the towel aside, he drops into the seat beside her. She realizes suddenly that he made certain she didn’t sit on the wet cushion. She probably would have. “Look, sister, I understand if you don’t wanna talk about it. I have plenty of secrets myself, but you don’t have to lie. You’re breakin’ my heart.”

She meets John’s gaze, eyes swollen and red and feels immense shame. “I’m sorry, John. I just… I don’t know what to do.”

He chuckles, and the sound rasps down her spine. “I feel ya. I don’t know what’s going on and I never said anything because it’s not my business, but a man like that… he didn’t deserve you.”

She looks away, staring at her hands. “You’re wrong.”

That seems to surprise him. “Oh?”

She nods, unwilling to explain herself. John doesn’t need to know, and Deacon would never forgive her. She just can’t. “He’s a good man.”

"If you say so." He makes a humming sound and says nothing more. They sit in silence for a time. John pops a few Mentats. Julia plays with the buckle of her belt and tries not to think about anything. She starts trembling, and a few moments later, John’s signature red coat is draped over her shoulders. It makes the tears pour all the more.

“I’ll put out some feelers, see what I can find,” John says with a sigh, “Might be able to track the bastard down. I’ll contact Valentine, too. He has sources I don’t.”

Her gaze snaps up to him, mouth gaping. She always knew John wasn’t particularly fond of Deacon though he never said so. For him to even offer… “Thank you,” she murmurs, blinking back tears.

His gaze softens. “Don’t look at me like that, or I’m going to start thinking things I shouldn’t.”

“Sorry,” she manages a broken laugh, “but you aren’t my type.” She pulls his coat closer around her shoulders all the same.

He waves her off. “Yeah, yeah. You only like the slippery, mysterious sorts. Don’t worry, sister. We’ll find your spy.” He hands her a box of Mentats. “Take ‘em. Looks like you need it.”

 

John puts her up at the Rexford, telling her to sit tight until he can get things set in motion. Julia doesn’t mind staying in Goodneighbor for a while. Shaun is safe and blissfully unaware in Sanctuary with the Longs. He enjoys their company, and the pair both seem to like taking care of him. Jun in particular looks happier than he has since she met him. Julia doesn’t want to ruin that happiness just yet.

She sets down her pack and flops face first into the bed. Turning her face toward the window, she watches the sky slowly change colors. Hitting play on her Pip-Boy, she listens to Deacon’s voice again in an attempt to ground herself. His voice always made her feel so safe, like a warm blanket on a cold night. Julia ignores the words and just listens until the tape cuts off. _Jules, Be Happy._ God, no one’s called her that since Nate. She hadn’t realized how much she missed it, but just hearing him speak makes her long for it.

She’s exhausted, but sleep feels like the furthest thing from her mind. She hits play again. Closing her eyes, she can almost imagine Deacon walking in the door with some stupid one-liner. Can almost feel the bed move as he sits down. Feels his fingers thread through her hair. The gentle pressure of his lips against hers –

Julia snaps awake. The room is pitch dark, and she’s alone. Raking her hair back, she absently thumbs her lips. “Just a stupid dream,” she murmurs, rolling onto her back and tossing an arm over her eyes. It felt so real, but she’s certain Deacon has never kissed her. Still, something about it tickles at her thoughts, like a forgotten memory. She dismisses it and curls up into a ball on the covers. Hitting play again, she listens to Deacon’s voice, begging her to forget him and be happy as she drifts back to sleep.


End file.
